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What if he thinks I’m not good looking enough? What if she thinks I’m boring? What if I can’t think of anything to talk about? When it comes to dating, most people have had these thoughts and fears at some point. The truth is that going on a date can be downright nerve-wracking—and if you suffer from shyness or social anxiety, it is especially so. So how can you stay calm, cool, and collected as you set out on the search for the perfect mate?
Single, Shy, and Looking for Love presents mindfulness, acceptance, and values-based techniques from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to help shy singles like you get “in the game,” cope with the anxiety and fear that can arise on a date, and go on to create long-lasting, intimate relationships. By learning to stay focused in the present moment, you’ll arm yourself against the catastrophic thoughts that cause you to buckle under pressure. And by connecting with your own core values, you’ll gain a greater understanding of yourself and what you ultimately want in a romantic partner.
Confidence is often considered one of the most attractive qualities a man or woman can have, and social confidence will take you far—not only in love, but in life as well. If you’re ready to stop being a wallflower and start putting yourself out there, this book will give you the skills you need to get back in the dating game and find the love you deserve.
Extras: Audio downloads and Printouts from the book are available. Visit NewHarbinger.com and click on Accessories to access downloadable materials from the book.
—Michelle Skeen, PsyD, author of Love Me Don’t Leave Me
In the normal mode of mind we often suppose that the difficult material in that second territory is merely something to be gotten rid of so we can get back to dating. This book takes a much different approach: that territory is worthy of attention and exploration. It is part of the very fabric of our emotional lives that we bring to relationships themselves. If you are interested in exploring human relationships, consider the possibility that you have a much larger territory to explore as part of that very process. This gentle and wise book will show you how.”
—Steven C. Hayes, PhD, Foundation Professor and Director of Clinical Training at the University of Nevada and author of Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life
—Deborah Khoshaba, PsyD, clinical psychologist specializing in resilience, personal growth, and health; director of program development and training for the Hardiness Institute; author of several books on the hardiness approach to stress management and resilience; founder of the popular blog Psychology in Everyday Life; and writer for psychologytoday.com
—Leah Klungness, Ph.D, psychologist and coauthor of The Complete Single Mother
—Thomas Plante, PhD, ABPP, Augustin Cardinal Bea, S.J. University Professor, director of the Spirituality and Health Institute at Santa Clara University, and author of Religion, Spirituality, and Positive Psychology: Understanding the Psychological Fruits of Faith, Sexual Abuse in the Catholic Church: A Decade of Crisis, 2002-2012, and Spiritual Practices in Psychotherapy: Thirteen Tools for Enhancing Psychological Health
—Shawn T. Smith, PsyD, clinical psychologist and author of The User’s Guide to the Human Mind and The Woman’s Guide to How Men Think
When you are feeling depressed, having a loving, supportive relationship with your partner can help you in your path towards healing and creating a happier life. But often depression interferes with your relationship, distancing you from your partner during your time of need.
Using an integrative approach based in mindfulness, interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), When Depression Hurts Your Relationship offers practical skills to help readers with depression reignite intimacy with their partners.If you suffer from depression, this book is a must-read to help keep your romantic relationship healthy, exciting, and rewarding for you both.
Begin your relationship transformation right now. This downloadable exercise will help you foster self-compassion and learn to seek growth and challenge within yourself and your relationship, instead of perfection.
“When Depression Hurts Your Relationship is an outstanding book, packed with easy to read information and strategies that will help couples navigate the stormy waters of depression. Shannon Kolakowski comprehensively tackles how depression negatively roots itself in the bonds of a partnership and offers solutions that are gentle, frank, and straightforward. One of the most wonderful things about Kolakowski’s writing is that she delicately weaves science and research in such a way that it doesn’t overwhelm the reader. Instead, When Depression Hurts Your Relationship empowers, informs, and inspires with hope and encouragement.”
—Deborah Serani, PsyD, psychologist and award-winning author of Living with Depression
“Kolakowski has written a wonderfully practical book to help people dealing with depression and struggling to preserve their relationships. She integrates her psychology expertise in very simple and easy-to-follow ways. From attachment to coping styles Kolakowski addresses the psychological aspects that contribute to hurting the relationship when depression comes in and offers practical and easy exercises to break away from the hurting pattern. The book is a great resource not only for people dealing with depression in their relationship, but also for any couple wanting to improve their communication style, add mindfulness in the relationship, and gain sexual intimacy. As a professor and psychologist working with couples, I intend to recommend this book to my psychology students and couples as an easy read and addendum to clinical work.”
—Dinelia Rosa, PhD, president-elect of the New York State Psychological Association, director of the Dean Hope Center for Educational & Psychological Services at Columbia University, and adjunct associate professor at the clinical psychology program at Teachers College, Columbia University
“Depression is one of the greatest obstacles in relating to others or yourself. When Depression Hurts Your Relationship is a wonderful remedy for making sure that this doesn’t happen to you or your relationship. It is the right book at the right time, and will help millions of people prevent depression from getting in the way of living happily ever after.”
—Mark Goulston, MD, author of Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
“If you are depressed, new hope and new life awaits, thanks to the book When Depression Hurts Your Relationship. In it, you’ll find a clear, compassionate, and comprehensive guide, filled with hands-on activities and exercises to steer you through the morass of depression and stagnation that’s separating you from your partner. Thanks to Kolakowski’s invaluable resource, you can rebuild your connection with your partner to be stronger than ever, and find comfort in each other’s arms once again.”
—Sheri Meyers, PsyD, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair-Proof Your Relationship
“In this new book, Dr. Shannon Kolakowski shows a deep and compassionate understanding of the ways in which depression shows up in our most cherished relationships. Based on research and Dr. Kolakowski’s clinical experience, this book is accessible to real people with real relationship goals. Packed with reflective exercises and concrete tools, When Depression Hurts Your Relationship will empower you (and your partner) to create a healthy and loving bond.”
—Heidi Reeder, PhD, author of Commit to Win, and associate professor of communication at Boise State University
About the Foreword Writer: When Depression Hurts Your Relationship foreword writer Craig Malkin, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, author, and instructor of psychology for Harvard Medical School. His articles and insights have frequently been featured in publications like Psychology Today, match.com’s Happen Magazine and Women’s Health, and he’s made numerous TV and radio appearances, including NPR and Fox news. Preview the foreword at Amazon.com.
Extras: For Audio Downloads and Materials from the book, visit NewHarbinger.com and click on Accessories.
Dr. Shannon’s interview on Single, Shy and Looking for Love
What led you to start writing a book on dating for the shy and socially anxious?
“I think that being in love and having a life partner is one of the most fulfilling and best parts of life. But I’ve seen dating anxiety get in the way of people finding love so frequently – I wanted to help people find the love that they deserve. Dating anxiety limits the amount of people you meet, can keep you stuck in an bad relationship, and can sabotage your chances of showing who you really are to potential partners. Anxiety can be so paralyzing and overwhelming that people often don’t realize how much better things can be.
In my book, I talk about how successful relationships are based on being authentic – it’s not about trying to act a certain way, follow rules, or be someone your not-that only adds more anxiety to the equation. Instead, my book helps you embrace your physical, emotional and sexual self– moving away from defining yourself as someone who isn’t able to have good relationships, and instead knowing that you can have the type of relationship you desire. Using the acceptance and commitment therapy framework, you identify what you want from a relationship, and what steps to take to get it. It gives you a clear guide for how to navigate the most anxiety-provoking aspects of dating, like initiating dates, showing you’re interested in someone, connecting with your date, handling embarrassing or awkward dating situations, handling rejection, addressing fear of intimacy, handling self-doubt and insecurity, addressing fears or worries about sex, and taking your relationship to the next level.” -Shannon Kolakowski
Read the entire interview here.